First Kiss

I was totally inspired by this blog that I read on a regular basis to post one similar to it. It was about first kisses and how special they usually are. But ultimately I wanted to write about the first kiss of all first kisses... my very first kiss period.

From as far back as I can remember I have been a little boy crazy. There is even this old home movie of me when I was about 6 at the neighborhood swimming pool chewing on my goggles and staring at some older boys. I remember having crushes on the boys even in kindergarten. Every year it was a different boy. In third grade I got my first "boyfriend" Randy. We went to summer camp together and he bought me a candy bar. I thought we were destined to be. Then I come to find out that he was also buying candy bars for other girls. I wasn't the only one to fall for this so called charm. Oh boys they never change. It wasn't until those awful two years of middle school that I really started wanting a real boyfriend. You know the ones you can go hang out with at the mall and talk on the phone with. Those real kind. But unlucky for me I was socially awkward, apparently didn't know how to brush my hair and had braces. Not the best looking girl in the 7th and 8th grade by any means. It wasn't until the end of 8th grade that one of those wonderful middle school boys saw through the tangled mess of hair and the glinting shine of my braces and saw the girl underneath. David... I will never forget David. He was sweet and most of all he actually liked me!

It was the last day of school and David, my friend Elaine, and I all went over to Elaine's house to "hang out." David and I decided to take a walk down to the park a block away from her house. *I was so naive even at this point I had no idea what he was planning.* We walked to the park and we ended up talking on the playground equipment for a while when he asked me to go walk in the trees with him. *Yeah I know this sounds really scary, but for some reason I wasn't scared.* We got several feet into the trees when he stopped looked at me and kissed me on my lips. Even to this day I can remember that moment perfectly. I remember it being the best thing ever, but it probably was really bad and awkward. It was a great first kiss. We were boy friend and girlfriend for that entire summer. I'm not sure what happened after school started. I think we ended up going to different high schools and just stopped seeing eachother. I'll have to check my diary to really make sure. But I will always remember David and my very first kiss. Thanks David... where ever you are.

In my room

There is this song by the Beach Boys called In My Room. It's been one of my favorites for a long time. It's a very simple song, simple melody and simple lyrics.

Here are the lyrics...

There's a world where I can go and tell my secrets to
In my room, in my room
In this world I lock out all my worries and my fears
In my room, in my room

Do my dreaming and my scheming
Lie awake and pray
Do my crying and my sighing
Laugh at yesterday

Now its dark and I'm alone
But I wont be afraid
In my room, in my room
In my room, in my room
In my room, in my room

Ever since I moved in with a roommate I have come to really love my bedroom. It's not like my roommate and I don't get along, we do, it's just that I feel most at peace and at home in my room. In my room is my bed which is my favorite place to be. I love crawling into my bed at the end of the day and reflecting on the day or what I need to do tomorrow. Like the song says my room is where I do my crying, sighing, and a place where I can be me. But even though I am alone in my room, I'm not afraid. I love my room. Do you love your room? Where is your favorite place to be?

What else?

The one that got away is also one of the only two guys I have ever loved called me tonight. I haven't talked to him since March. Why did I have to tell him I think about him every day still? Why did he have to tell me he still cares about me and how I'm doing? I am now officially @#$%^& up more than ever.

I dont think I will ever understand

men! ugh! I think if I just admit to myself that I will never understand them then life may be a teeny bit easier. Maybe, just maybe. One thing I just don't get is why men like the "chase." To me this is just maddening. My friends say, "let him come to you." Ok, so I wait and wait. Yeah he's not coming to me yet. I went out with the marine on thursday evening. I thought we had a great time! He texted me on Friday saying just that. And yeah, that was the last time I've heard from him. I am kinda proud of myself though. The me a year or so ago would have called him by Saturday. And I haven't yet. I didn't even send him a text saying "how was your weekend?" So, I'm staying busy. Tonight I'm suppose to be having sushi with one of the editors from my internship. I say suppose to because we have been trying to go out since like this summer so hopefully that will happen. Then tomorrow night I have a production meeting with the rest of the Parker Creek crew about our new upcoming short. Thursday I have a babysitting gig. Friday perhaps dinner with the director (yeah remember him) and Saturday we (Parker Creek) have our big auditions for the new short. So, even if he does call, I probably won't even have time to see him. Sigh.... deep down I do hope he does call though. I was starting to kinda like him. Men... can't live with them, can't live without them. What is a girl to do?

New Years Resolutions

While most of my real friends as well as some of my cyber friends have already made their new years resolutions posts, I still have not. I just wanted some time to think about it first before I sent it out into the world. And I'm still not completely sure what I want out of this year. To be honest 2008 sucked. To me it just flew by and I don't feel I accomplished much. Ok I know what most of you are thinking. "But you graduated from college!" And I understand that reasoning but I would give that degree back just to feel normal again. I'm sure I've said this before but until now my whole life I have always known what the next step is. Grade school... jr high... high school.... college... next semester... the next semester... graduate.... the end. Ok... now get a job. Riiiigggghhhtttt. I'll get right on that. I'm so utterly lost, that I have completly shut down. I have gotten so frustrated looking for a job that I don't really want that I have just stopped. I truely know deep down in my heart what my goal is. But I'm not sure how to get there. I don't know where to start and I don't know who to turn to for help. I know I have to do this on my own but that makes me feel even more alone. I know life isn't easy and I'm not expecting this to be handed to me on a silver platter but, I had NO idea it would be this hard. And even more more body has waged war against me. I'm sure its my hormones out of wack but this is really not helping me right now.

So... back to my new years resolutions. First, I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself and come up with some sort of plan. I don't care how hard it is I'm going to figure out how to get what I truely want. Second, I'm going to be a better friend. Friends are suppose to be there for you during times like this and I'm not letting them for some reason or another. I'm still not 100% on why I have been doing that but its going to stop. I'm not a selfish person and I don't want that thougth to even cross their minds. Third, even though my hormones hate me right now I'm going to do everything in my power to be more healthy. Now I'm not going to stay I want to lose weight. I'm taking some advice from my friend Erin and I'm just going to make healthier decisions. (Not eating out as much, not eating when I'm not hungry and so on...) And fourth and the most important, I'm going to be good to myself. I know it may sound stupid or cheesy but I'm going to work on loving myself. Because if I can't love myself then then how do I expect anyone else to.

I'm sure I've posted this quote before but it has truely changed my life. Read it a couple times. Then think about it. It may change yours too.

"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, your disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all this is left is a compromise."

some people really need to update their myspace

So don't ask me why... but I'm still cyber friends with my ex's (M) sister on myspace. I guess I just never got around to deleting her or I secretly want to cyber stalk her.... well.... whichever way I was looking at her page tonight just for no reason actually and I came across some pictures from M's bday from last year (when we were still together) so.... yeah... she still has pictures of me and M together on her myspace! Seriously? She so needs to update her myspace. That's all.

MIA

I have no idea why I have been so MIA lately. Whenever I sit down to blog I can never think of anything really good to write about. Which is strange because there is so much going through my head right now. I really feel like my friend Julie because there is so much on my mind. Thank God I don't have to plan a wedding. Sorry Jules.

So I decided to do bullets! Yeah for bullets!

• I had a really good holiday in the bitter cold midwest. Just goes to show you that my blood has thinned out. Here are some pictures from my trip.

This is me and my best friend from high school.
This is my friends Max and Jack, two of my really good friends from high school. It was really good seeing them again.
My Dad and I went to a car museum while I was there. This is me with my dream car. One day, one day... sigh...

• New Years Eve was really fun. I went on a pub crawl with some friends. It was a really good idea considering no one had to worry about driving. Here are some pictures of the night.

I'm pretty sure this is a before picture.


Me and Miss Molly
Me, Erin and Katie

Me and Faith... I think by the end of the night I was going around taking pictures with everyone.

Me and Faith's hubby John.

• I still hate my job(s). I have a couple of prospects actually. There are a couple of jobs that I really do want that haven't been filled yet. So, I'm to be the proverbial squeaky wheel without being the annoying squeaky wheel if you know what I mean.
• Parker Creek has set up our auditions for the next project that we are working on. I'm super excited because we went with the name I thought of for the title. It's called The Storm's End and you can read about it here.
• I received the best gift I ever gotten in the mail on Wednesday. My Uncle George, the actor, sent me the script to the latest film he has been working on called A Serious Man written and directed by none other than the Cohen Brothers! Who are my favorite writer and director team ever! I was so excited that I started to cry. It is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. This is a bad picture of it but here it is. I'm about halfway through it right now. So far so good.

• I met someone.... I'm going to affectionately call him the Marine. He's actually been out of the Marines for a couple of years, but a good a name as any. We've gone on about three dates and I really like spending time with him. He's very easy going and sweet. I can tell he is a very caring and gentle person. I am excited to get to know him better.
• One of my resolutions for this year is to keep a movie journal. I'm keeping a list of every movie I see in the theater as well as rent/ netflix. I'm also writing a little something about each one. Not really a synopsis but more of like a reflection. So far I have seen three movies in the theater. Seven Pounds, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and Marley and Me (with the Marine). I really like all of them. All very different but all very good. I highly recommend them.

Well I think that about wraps things up for a little bit. But before I go...

Miss you Steph...

No matter what...

I still miss you Steph :-(