Compromising

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"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise."

Sometimes, especially lately, I've been feeling trapped. I feel like a zombie or a robot going through the motions in my life. Get up, make coffee, go to work, come home.... blah blah blah. I feel trapped in a city that I have never really felt "at home" in. I feel like maybe the reason I haven't found a job or a guy here is that perhaps I don't belong here. Maybe deep down I don't want to find any of those things here because I don't want to be attached this place. I mean, isn't that why I broke up with BB in the first place? Because I felt that he held me here?

It's just that I'm scared. Flat out terrified of moving. If I go back "home" will that be giving up? What if I miss my friends that I've had the whole time I've lived here? What if I fail wherever I go? Will I be more miserable somewhere else? But then on the other hand, I feel if I don't try I will be settling. And that is my worst fear, is to settle because it's easy. Compromise my life because I'm afraid. That is even more terrifying to me.

I dream of moving to Hollywood and working as lowly PA on some crappy sitcom. Working 15 hour days until my feet hurt. Running around getting people who think they're important coffee. Getting yelled at for being wrong. I would do ANYTHING to be around that. I can feel the need pulling at my heart so hard.

I think if I stayed here and found a "nice boy" and a desk job that I would compromising my life. I think if I moved to Hollywood there will be terrible nights of regret and sadness and missing my life here. But don't you think it would be worth it, to of at least of tried?

Enjoying 20 instead of only 10

So my best friend Stephanie noticed that I was always complaining about my job and only looking forward to the weekends and not enjoying my weekdays. She said that is 20 days out of the month that I am hating. I had never looked at it that way. She was right. While I still hate my job I am trying to enjoy my 20 days as well as my 10. I'm striving to meet a goal of applying for 3 jobs a week and if I have to be at my job I am trying to make the best out of it. I am planning on talking to my boss about getting a raise. And as soon as things calm down a bit I am going to talk to her about a project I want to start there. Maybe she'll like that idea so much she'll up my pay even more! Who knows. My mom always says that the answer is always no if you don't ask the question.

Also, I have been talking to the same guy for the past 3- 4 weeks. Right now I am going to call him pre- bf. (Julie gave me that name. She kept calling him my boyfriend and I had to keep telling her that he's not my boyfriend. "Well, he's your pre- bf then.") So we will just go with that. We have so much in common it is a little scary. As far as the list goes, he meets the majority of it. I haven't had to worry about him calling me because he contacts me everyday. We have a great time together. The best part about him there is no BS between us. No games. I'm myself around him. I can talk to him so easily. He's so genuine and not fake. It is so nice for a change.

Also at the end of week 10 I lost 2.6 pounds for a total loss of 9.8. I have already gone down 1 pant size. It feels pretty good.

I tend to chit chat about the same stuff a lot. Boys, job (or lack there of) and my weight loss. While these things are important I really need to stop for a minute, or two, and write about something important.... friendship. I spent the majority of my weekend watching a good portion of the second season of Sex and the City. This is one of my favorite shows of all time. To the outsider this show may look like its about 4 women and the men they date. Yes this is true, but it more about the relationship these 4 women have with each other. That saying is so true... men come and go but your girlfriends will always be there.

I have had many different friendships over my lifetime. Some I will never forget, some where middle school foolishness, one that has surpassed 10 years and 1000 miles and one that is very important to me right now.

So, what makes a good friendship? Having a great time together, being able to talk to the other person and really have them listen, and the ability to tell them anything without them judging you. And vice versa. A relationship is give and take. Sometimes you have to give more than you take. And perhaps that is where I falter. Friendships take work, just like any other relationship in my life. I sometimes just except people to be my friend without me doing anything. I don't listen as much I should. I should call just to see how they are. I have found myself being selfish. And that is something I DO NOT want to be. That's a horrible thing to be. I want my friends to be able to come to me if something is wrong. I want them to be able to trust me to share their feelings, turmoils, and joys. I want to be a better friend. I know the year is now half way over but I don't think it's ever too late to make a new years resolution. I resolve this year (or whats rest of it) to be a better friend.

To all of my friends out there, thank you for being in my life. I appreciate all you have done for me and I promise to totally rock at being your friend.

Weight loss and boys... yet again

I know it's all I practically talk about anymore. lol! But you have to admit it is a bit interesting, right? Both things are going really well in both departments!

First and foremost my weight loss.

At the end of week 8 I have lost a total of 8.2 pounds! That is 5% of my starting weight. I'm half way there. Weight Watchers gave me a big huge star sticker that says "5%." I was extremely happy. Yesterday morning as I was getting dressed for work I noticed a pair of jeans that I haven't been able to fit in for over a year. I was like"I wonder...?" I tried them on and they fit! They weren't digging into my sides or creating the infamous muffin top. They just fit. I was so happy I almost cried. It was official. I have gone down one size in my jeans.

Secondly, boys.

While boys still suck... they are slowly getting better. Or should I say, I'm getting better about them. I realized that I need to calm the #$%@ down and just concentrate on loving myself. Which I did. My mom also told me about a new dating site called Plenty of Fish. Lame I know but I decided to check it out. Seemed harmless, not to mention absolutely free, so I signed up. Now I am no stranger to online dating. I have been doing it for years. The vast majority of the guys I go out with I meet online. Don't worry. I know all the precautions of this way of dating and always take them. I don't want to say too much but things are going really well already. I have been on one really good date. And you know how they say if they like you they will find a way to contact you. Let's just say that is definitely true.

Loving me!!

"The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."
- Carrie Bradshaw

So every girl has a little psycho in them! Please, please, please forgive my last post. I can't believe how I over reacted over literally nothing! Maybe I can blame it on PMS? Perhaps? Well whatever it was I am feeling better this evening.

I may not show it a lot but I don't have the best self- esteem and I know it. I'm not 100% as to why that is, but nevertheless it's true. I know that there is something missing in my life. So, I try to fill it with boys and food. (Which I have come to the conclusion that they were both placed on this Earth by the Devil himself.) Those are two of the things that I think will make me happy at the time. But usually in the end, do not. Like big fatty fast food hamburgers and boys who only make me feel good for a night, a day, a week. Neither of them make me feel good in the long run. In the end they make me fat and feeling lonely. So.... what do I need to do? Get better self- esteem! And how am I going to do that? Well... I am going to... uhhh... well first I will.... *clears throat*... yeah. I don't know how the heck I'm going to do that. Well I do know that if I had a better job, one where I don't cry everyday when I pull into the parking lot, and made money that a normal person could survive on then I might have a bit more self- esteem. I also do know that once I hit my goal Weight Watchers weight I will definitely feel better about myself. So, maybe I do have a plan after all. I know it's not something I am going to gain over night. I know it's going to take some work, but I'm willing. I just want to be happy, and especially happy about how I feel about myself. And then, maybe, just maybe I might find someone that loves the me that I love. But as the age old saying goes, I'll never find someone to love me if I don't love me first. Carrie was definitely right... as always.

It can never be easy

"As long as you know men are like children, you know everything." - Coco Chanel

Boys suck. Suck suck suck. S.U.C.K. suck! I am SO over them. I'm tired of playing their stupid little games. I'm tired of trying to figure out what the hell they are thinking. I'm tired of waiting around for them to call when they don't. I'm just tired of it. And it's stressing me out when it shouldn't. Even writing this right now is making me tear up. And I hate that it is doing that to me. My mom is telling me to just stop. Stop trying to find a guy. Stop worrying so much about them. And I want to but... I am feeling this constant need for a companion. I miss having someone in my life like that. It has been a year and a half that I have been single. That is the longest I have ever been. Perhaps it's for the best. I really don't know.

Take for example the date I had on Wednesday. It was fantastic! He took me out to dinner, suggested we do something else, went and played pool and practically closed the bar down, then talked to almost 5:30 in the morning! We were totally into each other. He texted me both Thursday and Friday night. Then nothing at all Saturday, Sunday.... then I caved and texted him last night. He did respond though. And at the end of our conversation when we were saying our goodnights he texted "night sweetheart." Ok... is that a good thing? I dunno. I know I am trying to read way more into this than I should. But this always happens. It can never be easy huh?

Wow... I just read what I wrote and I sound like a crazy psycho chick! Lol! Ok I'm going to go for a run and calm the "f" down.

By the way... I lost another pound last week. That is a total of 6.8! Go me!

Blog in bullets

• Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my college graduation. This whole not finding a job yet sucks. I can think of some other choice words to give my situation but since my Mother and Father read my blog I don't think they would be very appropriate.
  

• I went back home for my momma's graduation two weekends ago. She got her long anticipated PHD and is now officaly Dr. Mom! I'm SO proud of her! I also got to see my brother, sister- in- law, my niece, and my cousin from LA. It was so great hanging out with everyone. My niece is the cutest thing on the planet. I have the most adorable video of her but I need to get permission from her parents if I can post it.
  

• We are almost finished with production on The Storm's End. We spent a long two days this past weekend filming. Here are some pictures from "behind the scenes."

Yup... this was all I did on set... no not really. Just waiting for one of the actors to change his wardrobe.


Watching the the whole hair and makeup process.


Me and the sound guy checking focus on Johnny 5... AKA "Cinco Juan"



Me and the clapboard... we're total BFF's.

• I'm going on week 7 of Weight Watchers. And so far so good. At the end of week 6 I lost 1.6 pounds for a total of 5.8 pounds with 22.4 pounds to loose I only need to loose 16.6 more!

Ummmm.... that's about it. Well I do have a date on Wednesday but I don't want to say anything yet because it's too soon. If it goes well I'm sure you will hear about it and if it doesn't go well I'm still you will hear about it too. :-)