MJ

When someone passes, whether it be someone you know personally or someone the world may know you start to remember the times you've shared or your memories of that person. When Michael Jackson died on Thursday it made me start thinking about the memories I have had of him in my lifetime.

• When I was six, my Dad, brother and I took the Amtrack train to LA to visit my Aunt, Uncle, and cousins. It was a three day long trip on the train. Since I was at the wise age of six I got to pack my own bag. And since we were going to be spending three whole days on the train I packed the essentials games, toys, and books for the long journey. One thing I regretably did not realize until after it was too late was that your bagage was loaded underneath the train only to be collected after your araival in LA. So, when it came time to change for bed that first evening we all realized that Becky did not pack any clothes for our train ride. I was suppose to pack a carry on for the three days we were going to be traveling on the train. Everyone knew this except me apparently. So for the next three days I wore the exact same thing. Stonewash jeans and a Michael Jackson shirt that was handed down to me from my cousin. It was a grey cut off shirt with purple sleeves attached underneath with a big huge picture of MJ on the front. I so wish I still had that shirt. It was ridiculously awesome.

• One Saturday while I was in Middle School I was flipping through stations on TV when I came across a marathon of The Jacksons: An American Dream. It was mini series that came out a couple of years before and whatever station I was watching decided to put all 4 1 hour episodes back to back. I started watching it and couldn't stop. I remember my Dad leaving the house and coming back a couple hours later and asking, "Is that still on?" But it was really well done. It was about how the Jackson 5 started out and became famous. I learned a lot about them and also realized that MJ didn't really get much of a childhood. Perhaps that was why he was so messed up in later years.

• Whenever I hear the song "Beat It" I think of two things. (1) The scene in Back to the Future 2 when Marty walks into the 80's diner in the future and they are playing it and (2) Weird Al's parody "Eat It."

• This has to be one of the funniest things I have ever seen. I know it wasn't made to be funny. But it truely is. I laugh every time I see it.

Michael Jackson was an American icon that will always be remembered He changed the face of pop music and shared his awesome dance moves and his amazingly talented voice with the world. Michael may be gone from this world but his music will remain forever.

"If you wanna make the world a better place take a look at yourself and then make a change."

-Michael Jackson

Dream Job

If I could do anything for a living, what would it be? Well it would be a photographer for Rolling Stone Magazine 1967 to 1997. Yeah, I know I know there are like three different things wrong with that but it's my "dream" job, right?

So since time travel hasn't been invented... yet... my ultimate dream job, would be an assistant director in film. Yes, I said assistant. I have always been sort of a follower. Not so much a leader. It seems like everyone in the film business wants to be a film maker, be the director. But I really enjoy the duties of being assistant to the director. Wikipedia describes the roll of 1st AD as the person who is "directly responsible to the producer and runs the floor or set." Wikipedia also claims that the production manager as well as the 1st AD are the two highest technical roles in film making. If you ever watch the credits at the end of the movie the 1st AD and the production manager are almost always listed first. I can't wait to see my name on the credits. It's not a matter of if it is a matter of when.

RIP

Michael Jackson
August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009

Farrah Fawcett
February 2, 1947 – June 25, 2009

Men do not equal happiness

So, I was thinking last night while I was running, I had to think because my iPod battery was dead, that I have been relying on whether or not I had a man for my happiness.

I mean, I do what every girl, well maybe just me but whatev, does when they meet a guy. Fall head of heels even though I barely know him, start picturing our courtship, start planning our wedding, and naming our kids all with in the course of two or three weeks. I mean I have gotten better, but deep down I still think about those things. I did with Pre-bf, who should be known now as the invisible man. He was great in the beginning and then completely feel off the face of the Earth. At first I was completely heartbroken. When he didn't return my texts I would get all nervous and sweaty, pace around my house, do anything to take my mind of him. I felt horrible. But why?? Why was I letting this person, whom I barely even know, control my happiness and control my life? The more and more I thought about it, the more I realized how I was living my life. Letting them control me.

These questions also got me thinking more. Women spend so much of their time looking for a man, getting dressed for a man, getting in shape for a man. But why? Why can't we do these things for ourselves? Why do we spend SO much of our life thinking about the opposite sex? Do we all really feel that our life is not complete unless we have someone else there to share it with? Do we consider people failures if they never marry? If people die alone do we automatically assume they were sad too?

All these questions lead me to the conclusion that I have to be truely happy with myself before I find the right person. I have to really love me. Totally easier said then done, but I am more than willing to make these words a reality.

Compromising

Photo Credit

"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise."

Sometimes, especially lately, I've been feeling trapped. I feel like a zombie or a robot going through the motions in my life. Get up, make coffee, go to work, come home.... blah blah blah. I feel trapped in a city that I have never really felt "at home" in. I feel like maybe the reason I haven't found a job or a guy here is that perhaps I don't belong here. Maybe deep down I don't want to find any of those things here because I don't want to be attached this place. I mean, isn't that why I broke up with BB in the first place? Because I felt that he held me here?

It's just that I'm scared. Flat out terrified of moving. If I go back "home" will that be giving up? What if I miss my friends that I've had the whole time I've lived here? What if I fail wherever I go? Will I be more miserable somewhere else? But then on the other hand, I feel if I don't try I will be settling. And that is my worst fear, is to settle because it's easy. Compromise my life because I'm afraid. That is even more terrifying to me.

I dream of moving to Hollywood and working as lowly PA on some crappy sitcom. Working 15 hour days until my feet hurt. Running around getting people who think they're important coffee. Getting yelled at for being wrong. I would do ANYTHING to be around that. I can feel the need pulling at my heart so hard.

I think if I stayed here and found a "nice boy" and a desk job that I would compromising my life. I think if I moved to Hollywood there will be terrible nights of regret and sadness and missing my life here. But don't you think it would be worth it, to of at least of tried?

Enjoying 20 instead of only 10

So my best friend Stephanie noticed that I was always complaining about my job and only looking forward to the weekends and not enjoying my weekdays. She said that is 20 days out of the month that I am hating. I had never looked at it that way. She was right. While I still hate my job I am trying to enjoy my 20 days as well as my 10. I'm striving to meet a goal of applying for 3 jobs a week and if I have to be at my job I am trying to make the best out of it. I am planning on talking to my boss about getting a raise. And as soon as things calm down a bit I am going to talk to her about a project I want to start there. Maybe she'll like that idea so much she'll up my pay even more! Who knows. My mom always says that the answer is always no if you don't ask the question.

Also, I have been talking to the same guy for the past 3- 4 weeks. Right now I am going to call him pre- bf. (Julie gave me that name. She kept calling him my boyfriend and I had to keep telling her that he's not my boyfriend. "Well, he's your pre- bf then.") So we will just go with that. We have so much in common it is a little scary. As far as the list goes, he meets the majority of it. I haven't had to worry about him calling me because he contacts me everyday. We have a great time together. The best part about him there is no BS between us. No games. I'm myself around him. I can talk to him so easily. He's so genuine and not fake. It is so nice for a change.

Also at the end of week 10 I lost 2.6 pounds for a total loss of 9.8. I have already gone down 1 pant size. It feels pretty good.

I tend to chit chat about the same stuff a lot. Boys, job (or lack there of) and my weight loss. While these things are important I really need to stop for a minute, or two, and write about something important.... friendship. I spent the majority of my weekend watching a good portion of the second season of Sex and the City. This is one of my favorite shows of all time. To the outsider this show may look like its about 4 women and the men they date. Yes this is true, but it more about the relationship these 4 women have with each other. That saying is so true... men come and go but your girlfriends will always be there.

I have had many different friendships over my lifetime. Some I will never forget, some where middle school foolishness, one that has surpassed 10 years and 1000 miles and one that is very important to me right now.

So, what makes a good friendship? Having a great time together, being able to talk to the other person and really have them listen, and the ability to tell them anything without them judging you. And vice versa. A relationship is give and take. Sometimes you have to give more than you take. And perhaps that is where I falter. Friendships take work, just like any other relationship in my life. I sometimes just except people to be my friend without me doing anything. I don't listen as much I should. I should call just to see how they are. I have found myself being selfish. And that is something I DO NOT want to be. That's a horrible thing to be. I want my friends to be able to come to me if something is wrong. I want them to be able to trust me to share their feelings, turmoils, and joys. I want to be a better friend. I know the year is now half way over but I don't think it's ever too late to make a new years resolution. I resolve this year (or whats rest of it) to be a better friend.

To all of my friends out there, thank you for being in my life. I appreciate all you have done for me and I promise to totally rock at being your friend.