So, I was thinking last night while I was running, I had to think because my iPod battery was dead, that I have been relying on whether or not I had a man for my happiness.
I mean, I do what every girl, well maybe just me but whatev, does when they meet a guy. Fall head of heels even though I barely know him, start picturing our courtship, start planning our wedding, and naming our kids all with in the course of two or three weeks. I mean I have gotten better, but deep down I still think about those things. I did with Pre-bf, who should be known now as the invisible man. He was great in the beginning and then completely feel off the face of the Earth. At first I was completely heartbroken. When he didn't return my texts I would get all nervous and sweaty, pace around my house, do anything to take my mind of him. I felt horrible. But why?? Why was I letting this person, whom I barely even know, control my happiness and control my life? The more and more I thought about it, the more I realized how I was living my life. Letting them control me.
These questions also got me thinking more. Women spend so much of their time looking for a man, getting dressed for a man, getting in shape for a man. But why? Why can't we do these things for ourselves? Why do we spend SO much of our life thinking about the opposite sex? Do we all really feel that our life is not complete unless we have someone else there to share it with? Do we consider people failures if they never marry? If people die alone do we automatically assume they were sad too?
All these questions lead me to the conclusion that I have to be truely happy with myself before I find the right person. I have to really love me. Totally easier said then done, but I am more than willing to make these words a reality.
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