"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise."
Sometimes, especially lately, I've been feeling trapped. I feel like a zombie or a robot going through the motions in my life. Get up, make coffee, go to work, come home.... blah blah blah. I feel trapped in a city that I have never really felt "at home" in. I feel like maybe the reason I haven't found a job or a guy here is that perhaps I don't belong here. Maybe deep down I don't want to find any of those things here because I don't want to be attached this place. I mean, isn't that why I broke up with BB in the first place? Because I felt that he held me here?
It's just that I'm scared. Flat out terrified of moving. If I go back "home" will that be giving up? What if I miss my friends that I've had the whole time I've lived here? What if I fail wherever I go? Will I be more miserable somewhere else? But then on the other hand, I feel if I don't try I will be settling. And that is my worst fear, is to settle because it's easy. Compromise my life because I'm afraid. That is even more terrifying to me.
I dream of moving to Hollywood and working as lowly PA on some crappy sitcom. Working 15 hour days until my feet hurt. Running around getting people who think they're important coffee. Getting yelled at for being wrong. I would do ANYTHING to be around that. I can feel the need pulling at my heart so hard.
I think if I stayed here and found a "nice boy" and a desk job that I would compromising my life. I think if I moved to Hollywood there will be terrible nights of regret and sadness and missing my life here. But don't you think it would be worth it, to of at least of tried?
Sometimes, especially lately, I've been feeling trapped. I feel like a zombie or a robot going through the motions in my life. Get up, make coffee, go to work, come home.... blah blah blah. I feel trapped in a city that I have never really felt "at home" in. I feel like maybe the reason I haven't found a job or a guy here is that perhaps I don't belong here. Maybe deep down I don't want to find any of those things here because I don't want to be attached this place. I mean, isn't that why I broke up with BB in the first place? Because I felt that he held me here?
It's just that I'm scared. Flat out terrified of moving. If I go back "home" will that be giving up? What if I miss my friends that I've had the whole time I've lived here? What if I fail wherever I go? Will I be more miserable somewhere else? But then on the other hand, I feel if I don't try I will be settling. And that is my worst fear, is to settle because it's easy. Compromise my life because I'm afraid. That is even more terrifying to me.
I dream of moving to Hollywood and working as lowly PA on some crappy sitcom. Working 15 hour days until my feet hurt. Running around getting people who think they're important coffee. Getting yelled at for being wrong. I would do ANYTHING to be around that. I can feel the need pulling at my heart so hard.
I think if I stayed here and found a "nice boy" and a desk job that I would compromising my life. I think if I moved to Hollywood there will be terrible nights of regret and sadness and missing my life here. But don't you think it would be worth it, to of at least of tried?
1 comment:
Hey girlie, thanks for checking out my blog!
I just moved to Hollywood a couple weeks ago. I was laid off from my job in TV and couldn't find work in NYC. So what better thing to do when you're broke, have no boyfriend, and no job? Move to Hollywood!!! It's the best thing I ever could have done. And I too want to work on a sitcom. Being a writer eventually. You just gotta do it!
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